Joe - profile image
Joe
@JoeSalter89
Yelling nonsense at all my robot advertising followers then crying myself to sleep. #SaintsFC hairdresser to the stars, tycoon, model, liar. Ich Dien.
Followers: 399
Following: 311
Total tweets sent: 7329
Member since: Sun 11 Sep 2011


Joe Latest Tweets

@TheManUtdWay @john_17jackson Pretty sure that's photoshopped and never happened. No one's ever scored against Saints.
Wed 20 Feb 19:13
2019
@Summers2theB @simgeo35 Leslie Grantham and Dirty Den.
Wed 20 Feb 19:07
2019
@Summers2theB @simgeo35 Wolf from gladiators and a certified bloody idiot.
Wed 20 Feb 19:05
2019
@Summers2theB @simgeo35 John Hartson and Wayne Sleep.
Wed 20 Feb 18:56
2019
@Summers2theB @simgeo35 Mark Almond and the ghost of unfinished poetry.
Wed 20 Feb 18:53
2019
I don't know who my favourite Rumpole is but it certainly isn't of the Bailey. No sir.
Wed 20 Feb 18:30
2019
#Brits tonight. Remember when it used to be something worth watching? 😢
Wed 20 Feb 18:27
2019
Most of Bastille's songs would be improved if they were sung by Kermit.
Tue 19 Feb 08:23
2019
@SouthCoastRed @simgeo35 The rule only applies to the women.
Tue 19 Feb 08:21
2019
My 1 year old is having a deconstructed cheese and cucumber sandwich for lunch. https://t.co/CXhO7AdEtG
Sun 17 Feb 13:44
2019
@simgeo35 Would you say, you can't go for that? (No can do)
Fri 15 Feb 22:41
2019
The big question: Hall... or Oates?
Fri 15 Feb 22:14
2019
If you're feeling lonely and neglected on Valentine's Day, just remember, this is what Jim Corr from The Corrs feel… https://t.co/KkcW9BtoBo
Thu 14 Feb 09:08
2019
Just ate a handful of pine nuts followed by a handful of pine nuts I'd toasted. Taste identical. Stop wasting your time, chefs.
Wed 13 Feb 18:16
2019
Valentine's tomorrow. Must remember to bring my backdoor key when I leave the house. Front door might be jammed wit… https://t.co/nd6frZ9U0m
Wed 13 Feb 09:16
2019
Why are all the synonyms for being over-organised funny sounding? Persnickety Fastidious Finicky Anal Anal retentive
Mon 11 Feb 19:47
2019
@sherdog91 Couple'a G's each. Nah, I don't know. Was me Ma's 60th, me dad sorted the bill; booked it all surprise-… https://t.co/IGJVibmFqO
Sat 9 Feb 20:36
2019
@sherdog91 Yeah. You only get two goes of 1 minute each. Glad I've done it though.
Sat 9 Feb 16:33
2019
Skydiving like a genius. Indoors, no planes as far as the eye can see. https://t.co/DTJrUxIoqa
Sat 9 Feb 12:52
2019
@john_17jackson @MattHodgetts Commitment is his middle name, John. https://t.co/YNlEYQcy06
Fri 8 Feb 20:27
2019
Having said that, I am an absolute star in all fairness.
Thu 7 Feb 14:00
2019
campaign against colleagues calling you "an absolute star", when you do something for them at your job. Where has t… https://t.co/ElYblJglV4
Thu 7 Feb 13:59
2019
Nigel Slater: "I know what you're all thinking. How do I use up leftovers caviar? Well, just shave truffle onto it… https://t.co/ueWClNOa1V
Tue 5 Feb 19:41
2019
@SimonCWNotNZnow @sallyephillips @RealBobMortimer The club from Bang Bang is the best series of sketches ever. Tom… https://t.co/geHxwAwhBL
Mon 4 Feb 19:32
2019
@sallyephillips @SimonCWNotNZnow Went for @RealBobMortimer. No one has made me cry with laughter like he has on so… https://t.co/aQYAArQHq6
Mon 4 Feb 18:26
2019
Please follow my partner's new business page on twitter and more importantly Instagram, @CountonHER She needs a bi… https://t.co/PdrcJ21F4M
Mon 4 Feb 13:30
2019
@adamhess1 House of sick people injured traumad and lame
Sun 3 Feb 18:54
2019
@simgeo35 I'm a mathematical invalid.
Sat 2 Feb 08:14
2019
@Summers2theB I do drive a gritter for a living.
Fri 1 Feb 14:05
2019
Am I the only one who is still at work in this snow?
Fri 1 Feb 13:33
2019
@simgeo35 If I were to guess that one of the terrestrial quiz shows had a rapist/murderer on it it wouldn't have be… https://t.co/0Sk40CFiWc
Fri 1 Feb 08:07
2019
Lookin for luv. 58 yrs yung. Only wumans pleze. Im not into all that othir stuf. Nothin against gays but not my fi… https://t.co/VF3udvc7rL
Thu 31 Jan 13:18
2019
Im lookin for love. 58 yrs yung. Wuman must hav her own hows becos I need to store my cat breeding tanks. https://t.co/1duhbvxOYf
Thu 31 Jan 13:09
2019
My pension online: "You will retire on 29/12/2057." 2057!!! i'm going to retire in the sci-fi future. straight ou… https://t.co/KYUFlI5C6U
Thu 31 Jan 10:35
2019
@Summers2theB @simgeo35 Do you have the recipe?
Wed 30 Jan 22:05
2019
@simgeo35 Bollocks. He also makes a chicken baguette with the meat of 5 wings and an entire tub of mayonnaise. The man's mentally ill.
Wed 30 Jan 20:46
2019
@simgeo35 If I leave just one piece of advice, it's that Nigel Slater's Real Food Show, the sandwich special, is on… https://t.co/fsjfLUBgsx
Wed 30 Jan 20:41
2019
Dear @DWGymGroup, At your Swindon gym, hoping to sign up, I was told by one of your staff that my arse is so perfec… https://t.co/zsgLL02Ijq
Wed 30 Jan 10:14
2019
@simgeo35 I saw it. It was like Nigel Slater but even effortlessly sexier.
Mon 28 Jan 21:15
2019
@simgeo35 I once covered some mozzarella in bread crumbs and feel fried it. I forgot to chill it to it melted into… https://t.co/u4mfkPHgMS
Mon 28 Jan 20:01
2019
@simgeo35 For similar reasons, I cancelled my trip to the Copacabana after a Trip Adviser review by a B. Manilow put me off.
Mon 28 Jan 18:46
2019
Dating profile: Name: Joe Sex: quick, unromantic and repetitive looking for: a valuable Pog i lost in 1996 Role: c… https://t.co/L4VowJ1bnd
Mon 28 Jan 11:01
2019
https://t.co/kyCJ4EROr9 "'Ello 'ello 'ello, is it me you're looking for?"
Sun 27 Jan 22:07
2019
@john_17jackson @rvp Wonder why it just popped up as a notification
Sun 27 Jan 20:08
2019
#DragonsDen Time to sit through an hour of this Muppet show again. Touker - Ernie Pete - Bert Debs - Animal Tej - Beaker Jenny - Sweetums
Sun 27 Jan 20:07
2019
@john_17jackson @rvp You been hacked?
Sun 27 Jan 08:11
2019
Gabrielle's eye is a wee bit wonky. Big deal. It's a shame visible differences are remembered. Ronan Keating had an… https://t.co/7h3YiRZJbb
Sat 26 Jan 21:57
2019
@simgeo35 Even the ultimate Australian was killed by a stingray. Poor Dame Edna.
Fri 25 Jan 11:04
2019
@philextence Much deserved Phil. You're a great philanderer. Sorry I mean philanthropist!
Fri 25 Jan 08:44
2019
@simgeo35 Charles the Fair was the true sexy king. And look where that got him. The end of his dynasty and the star… https://t.co/yR9NnuieCl
Thu 24 Jan 10:47
2019
@simgeo35 @Summers2theB That bacon sandwich 'recipe' was on the sandwich episode I mentioned. He did put ketchup in… https://t.co/qVX5Ysf9mX
Wed 23 Jan 21:02
2019
@simgeo35 @Summers2theB Melted cheese and charred edges on the bread. The charred bread are an unfortunate side eff… https://t.co/1bzHh0LTNE
Wed 23 Jan 20:45
2019
@simgeo35 @Summers2theB The worst was his steak, Dijon and lentils hangover cure. Go to Hell, Nigel. Go to fucking Hell.
Wed 23 Jan 20:37
2019
@simgeo35 @Summers2theB There's an episode from what looks like the early '90s, where he makes different sandwiches… https://t.co/43uQ1YeisJ
Wed 23 Jan 20:31
2019
@simgeo35 @Summers2theB PopaDomitian (not a biscuit, but crunchy and round nonetheless)
Wed 23 Jan 20:21
2019
@Summers2theB @simgeo35 Marcus Aureliustard creams.
Wed 23 Jan 20:16
2019
@Summers2theB @simgeo35 Caligulustard cream
Wed 23 Jan 20:11
2019
@simgeo35 Hedonist.
Wed 23 Jan 19:40
2019
@simgeo35 @SouthCoastRed @talkSPORT It's the pipe I smoked while I played that completed the fantasy.
Tue 22 Jan 20:06
2019
@simgeo35 @SouthCoastRed @talkSPORT Wilf Mannion
Tue 22 Jan 20:04
2019
@TomEatW0rld @LFZTWEETS 🤣 either way, if we get him for £5m, we'll sell him to Liverpool next season for £60m. So y… https://t.co/UJqcPaIIjg
Mon 21 Jan 19:42
2019
@LFZTWEETS @TomEatW0rld
Mon 21 Jan 18:58
2019
I've seen so many Peppa Pigs now that for a split second my heart stopped because I was under the impression I'd fo… https://t.co/cnu4w2QyYU
Mon 21 Jan 18:33
2019
If I won the Euro millions, I'd buy a big fat house and fill the basement with soil and worms and have a pet mole d… https://t.co/Dem9luRNo3
Mon 21 Jan 18:32
2019
Sun 20 Jan 10:15
2019
@simgeo35 I prefer pothos but then I'm a fan of Alexander as can't have it all my fucking way can I?
Sat 19 Jan 21:00
2019
@simgeo35 Bit obsessed with Steve Coogan. Was worried this would be shite though. Worth a watch then?
Sat 19 Jan 20:21
2019
@simgeo35 THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! ...sorry.
Sat 19 Jan 17:16
2019
@simgeo35 How did they find out that force feeding geese made their livers delicious?
Sat 19 Jan 11:33
2019
@simgeo35 A hero AND modest.
Sat 19 Jan 10:51
2019
@simgeo35 Vic reeves had a pair of them
Fri 18 Jan 16:21
2019
James III of Scotland: King Stephen recommended ye for mah portrait so this must be good, aye? show me! artist: et… https://t.co/kuqEHvHRAV
Fri 18 Jan 10:06
2019
@simgeo35 To be a good you, you need to be good to you. #LegDay
Thu 17 Jan 23:14
2019
Part of being "the best you you can be" is to not be an annoying prick who keeps sharing motivational quotes and pi… https://t.co/AUNkfi6vNS
Thu 17 Jan 21:59
2019
My #10yearchallenge I look fresh faced and young, my son actually looks older than he does now, oddly. https://t.co/mlDTbyIL86
Thu 17 Jan 16:22
2019
@john_17jackson I'll swap you a Manninger for him? https://t.co/nWuA5kqdvz
Thu 17 Jan 10:08
2019
@john_17jackson https://t.co/0ETQkgdUV1
Thu 17 Jan 09:54
2019
@john_17jackson https://t.co/I5JtWHs1Hy
Thu 17 Jan 09:47
2019
@simgeo35 The only one who can save Europe now is Klemens von Metternich, and he's been dead for more than 150 year… https://t.co/yOuTJUMRnI
Wed 16 Jan 12:55
2019
#Vss365 "Glenn, you silly bollocks!" "Hank, I didn't do nothing. Honest!" "You're a #grass, Glenn. You told the co… https://t.co/wFECG4nzIl
Tue 15 Jan 09:49
2019
@simgeo35 Let's put a stop to this spate of actors "gaying up". It's the gay and straight minstrels all over again.
Mon 14 Jan 09:54
2019
@simgeo35 People always are out when I knock in their door. Those new living room lights that go out ten seconds af… https://t.co/iNUT0NpK0U
Mon 14 Jan 09:52
2019
@john_17jackson He HATES Pogba.
Sun 13 Jan 19:10
2019
Telly chefs tell us that we need to buy local, seasonal produce for its taste/health benefits & to support the Brit… https://t.co/oD6iKnmlZl
Sun 13 Jan 12:31
2019
For only £14.99 you can buy one of my own design "I contributed to the Fatberg" t shirt. Just to commemorate what… https://t.co/UJjCeys0uM
Sun 13 Jan 10:23
2019
Originally, Beyonce's Irreplaceable was about her IBS. You must not know about me, You must not know about me. I c… https://t.co/IvsywGenHT
Sat 12 Jan 22:58
2019
@1MREDVE Souness hates players who have elaborate hair. They should have a simple, sensible tight perm (that takes… https://t.co/QITGLq7Y7p
Sat 12 Jan 20:27
2019
There's a theory that Edward of Woodstock was known as "The Black Prince" because he was 'Moorish'. That's an inte… https://t.co/7cy7wISQSG
Sat 12 Jan 19:53
2019
@MarkMyWordsJCPM @SouthCoastRed Invisibility.
Sat 12 Jan 19:44
2019
Why is everyone constantly using the word "gaslighting" all of a sudden? If you type gaslighting into Twitter, it's… https://t.co/oo02CpqgDK
Sat 12 Jan 19:43
2019
@simgeo35 Is it his earring?
Sat 12 Jan 16:54
2019
@simgeo35 I don't know how you can say that when he literally sits next to Phil Thompson.
Sat 12 Jan 16:53
2019
@simgeo35 I wish you'd stop shouting that at me all the time.
Sat 12 Jan 16:51
2019
@simgeo35 £28 for two slices of cauliflower. Sounds reasonable.
Sat 12 Jan 16:47
2019
Just once I'd like one of the #SoccerSaturday pundits to yell: "SALMON! There is a SALMON... on the pitch, Geoff."… https://t.co/vkYNkQzn6A
Sat 12 Jan 16:46
2019
@Summers2theB It's your mission to get blocked by all of the participants of Celebs go Caravaning.
Sat 12 Jan 12:22
2019
@Summers2theB I call it a colon baker when I've eaten spicy food and need to poo. Sorry.
Sat 12 Jan 12:00
2019
@simgeo35 "Ah've got me g'tar and ah'm gonna play it til ah can't hear Hansen's voice in me head nerrr more."
Sat 12 Jan 08:42
2019
@Summers2theB @simgeo35 The very same!
Thu 10 Jan 19:38
2019
I think I have a paprika disorder. I can't taste it unless there's about 6 tablespoons of it in a dish. These chefs… https://t.co/xEelz9HXS4
Thu 10 Jan 19:24
2019
Idiots stole my car. Unfortunately this is the only picture I have of it. At a gay charity car wash. Don't let the… https://t.co/SXiG0011Oi
Thu 10 Jan 18:50
2019
@sherdog91 @john_17jackson Ha! I don't know what to believe anymore.
Thu 10 Jan 18:40
2019
@sherdog91 @john_17jackson Juatb bcause border hoppers run towards your lorry, it doesn't specifically make you popular.
Thu 10 Jan 18:33
2019
@sherdog91 @john_17jackson Did he remember you from school or did you just seduce him there and then?
Thu 10 Jan 18:13
2019
@john_17jackson I just looked him up on here. He's a big Tory supporter.
Thu 10 Jan 14:24
2019
@john_17jackson Nah Chrissy!
Thu 10 Jan 14:21
2019
@john_17jackson Harber!
Thu 10 Jan 14:14
2019
I went to primary school with a lad who'd spend his entire lunch break crunching his crisp packet up, then when the… https://t.co/FLTTD9bkb3
Thu 10 Jan 13:27
2019
I amassed 6,000 ancient silver drachma the other day. Now no one can call me Talentless. #ancientgreece
Wed 9 Jan 19:48
2019
@simgeo35 Which is why I use Twitter to do nothing but spread rumours about Iain Dowie and his persistent polluting… https://t.co/RPVEldzuKZ
Wed 9 Jan 19:44
2019
@simgeo35 It's astonishing the lengths people will go to these days to appear like a good person, without: A) actua… https://t.co/SA8AFOihNO
Wed 9 Jan 19:43
2019
@simgeo35 We have chickens, so the eggs they lay seem a bit more... I don't know... Precious? When I break a yolk… https://t.co/vOsBwYOYMn
Wed 9 Jan 10:46
2019
@john_17jackson @SkyBet Le Tissier, Scholes, Gerrard, Lampard, Fabregas, Alonso.
Mon 7 Jan 17:31
2019
@john_17jackson I've just done a Donnay symbol into mine.
Mon 7 Jan 12:38
2019
@simgeo35 And David Dunne is out of retirement. I don't want to lose to Ar-Sol Campbell and his motley bollocks crew. We need Ty Gooden.
Sat 5 Jan 15:21
2019
Not a big fan of trolling but this did make me laugh. Walked into that didn't he. https://t.co/DCK05rLhOj
Fri 4 Jan 12:07
2019
How did the world's greatest defender just get so easily done by Aguero for that goal? #cityliv #MCILIV
Thu 3 Jan 20:42
2019
I've just written a guaranteed number 1. Don't tell my heart, My achey breaky heart, Cos Love will tear us apart,… https://t.co/mxJbxzZd8q
Wed 2 Jan 23:37
2019
@john_17jackson No goals at half time? #OleOut
Wed 2 Jan 21:00
2019
@sherdog91 Congrats on your job and son my man. Hope you have another good year!
Wed 2 Jan 20:59
2019
Let's face it, when your kid starts going to primary school, you want him to be mates with a Freddy Fox, not a Pedro Pony. 🦊>🏇 #peppapig
Tue 1 Jan 17:35
2019
@john_17jackson It's like Utd could do with a game against arsenal or spurs before they take on Liverpool.
Sun 30 Dec 17:37
2018
@john_17jackson Souness will still focus on his hair.
Sun 30 Dec 17:10
2018
@Saints_Mike7167 Almost thought he was writing this game off and resting Ings/Redmond etc.
Sun 30 Dec 17:02
2018
A festive message from my son. https://t.co/XSrjV5gDu9
Sun 30 Dec 13:28
2018
@Paulr04 Call* not can
Sat 29 Dec 13:32
2018
@Paulr04 You can usually tell when they're just talking bollocks. They do what I can "The Claridge intake". It's a… https://t.co/zQebddeMa4
Sat 29 Dec 13:32
2018
@Paulr04 It's like those talking head shows when the heads (usually Paul Ross) are shown the (e.g.) '70s advert the… https://t.co/b4FB55Irp0
Sat 29 Dec 13:27
2018
King Stephen: Well, let me see it! I've been sat posing for hours. Artist: It's um... I'm not sure I've captured y… https://t.co/1YCVbv5ZdN
Sat 29 Dec 13:24
2018
While Nigel Slater is telling us how to be frugal with leftovers (which in his case are ridiculously extravagant an… https://t.co/zRm6cCn0lR
Sat 29 Dec 11:37
2018
I fully admit that it's extremely difficult and that I would be rubbish - RUBBISH - at it, but I can't help thinkin… https://t.co/KKsJe5kpkk
Sat 29 Dec 11:25
2018
@simgeo35 I ring every Saturday to try and ask him what his back smells like but I never get through the call screening.
Sat 29 Dec 11:07
2018
@simgeo35 Just for the sake of being like the Saturday Kitchen bystanders, I'm going to ask a pointless question.… https://t.co/Sd08tfB1m5
Sat 29 Dec 11:01
2018
@simgeo35 Taken a screenshot of that. Had enough of Xmas food. This is now on the list for this week.
Sat 29 Dec 10:31
2018
@simgeo35 That looks bloody delicious. I assume the artichoke foam was added after the photograph was taken?
Sat 29 Dec 09:46
2018
Dinner is ruined, #misplaced turkey dinosaurs, Takeaway it is. #Vss365 #Haiku
Fri 28 Dec 08:06
2018
@simgeo35 Sunshine on Leith is a great time though.
Thu 27 Dec 21:08
2018
@Football_LDN Adrian Mutu, Maradona, Marc Bosnic, Paul Merson and Balotelli.
Thu 27 Dec 08:43
2018
#Vss365 Showing off, Ian dramatically stood up to his girlfriend on Xmas Eve to impress his mates, "I'll come hom… https://t.co/R4pguhUN3G
Wed 26 Dec 20:06
2018
@TomEatW0rld You've surely secured playoffs now if you don't crash. Be great to see Leeds up in the premiership aga… https://t.co/Jz7HfRHZfz
Wed 26 Dec 16:57
2018
@TomEatW0rld the Roofe! The Roofe! The Roofe is on fire!
Wed 26 Dec 16:52
2018
@Summers2theB Him, Gilles de Rais & all the other 'deadnonces' down there chasing Lizzie Borden about. Despicable.
Wed 26 Dec 10:39
2018
@Summers2theB In the Muppets version he does brag about evicting an entire orphanage, then watching the children, w… https://t.co/Uh6iOIBtU4
Wed 26 Dec 10:31
2018
Scrooge visited by Marley and the three spirits to save his soul from shackles? Why did Marley not get that luxury… https://t.co/HKpUhcj1Oh
Wed 26 Dec 10:28
2018
@Ladbrokes Schmeichel, Stam, Scholes, Sherringham, Shearer
Tue 25 Dec 21:05
2018
The correct terminology: You "pinch" an arse You "tweak" a nip You "honk" a breast You "cup" a bollock Observe… https://t.co/N8DiezkuYO
Tue 25 Dec 20:55
2018
@SouthCoastRed Ah, then understandable. I thought the car smashers were just really into Tesco's Finest range.
Tue 25 Dec 18:59
2018
Apparently all this happened because the Citreon driver tried to steal some booze. Why are these people so fierce… https://t.co/DlQ89DLisM
Tue 25 Dec 18:27
2018
@simgeo35 Grow up. Hang it off your cock like an adult.
Tue 25 Dec 14:41
2018
@Summers2theB Like that one where that woman is trying to fuck santa? "Santa baby". Let the man get on with his wor… https://t.co/MzwMGGsxYD
Tue 25 Dec 11:43
2018
Just taking a minute to wish a special very Merry Xmas to all the fat tarts out there and to wish them a happy new… https://t.co/ahYppHJLl2
Tue 25 Dec 11:22
2018
@simgeo35 @Helenreade5 That's why I inject gaviscon behind milletts. I inject it into my arm, not into the back of… https://t.co/dQKXHAJ8Mk
Tue 25 Dec 11:12
2018
@simgeo35 @Helenreade5 Doesn't matter if Helen gets reflux, she can counter it with a rich curry and chips.
Tue 25 Dec 11:07
2018
@MattyEarle I can't call it Port. I call it Southam.
Tue 25 Dec 11:03
2018
What do you get the woman who can't go out ever because the baby has reflux/sleep issues? The contents of a pub fo… https://t.co/mPpwzqhZbG
Tue 25 Dec 08:42
2018
I never use the Oxford comma, it's outdated, pretentious, and wrong.
Mon 24 Dec 22:36
2018
@simgeo35 Finally you attack the Nazis. Usually your feed is just you typing: "The Führer*" Under other people's… https://t.co/3ZmETvczCZ
Mon 24 Dec 20:41
2018
@simgeo35 Souness helped him by constantly criticising his elaborate hair, forgetting that he and his Liverpool col… https://t.co/Wp8XTapMPJ
Mon 24 Dec 14:51
2018
@simgeo35 Bet the snobby bitch will give the tub to her kid as a lunchbox to make his schoolmates think he's posh, too.
Mon 24 Dec 13:20
2018
@simgeo35 I bet she doesn't even reuse the carcass for stock.
Mon 24 Dec 13:16
2018
Deborah Meaden has just downed a glass of blood mixed with Pernod and invested in a man who wants £50,000 to kick a… https://t.co/QTlxLji62e
Sun 23 Dec 20:54
2018
@simgeo35 Yippee k-Eid Mubarak.
Sun 23 Dec 14:09
2018
@simgeo35 Know what else gets my goat? People this time of year saying Die Hard is a Christmas film just to subvert… https://t.co/TlonFVv8Wj
Sun 23 Dec 14:04
2018
@simgeo35 🎶I'm a lyrical gangsta🎶
Sun 23 Dec 14:02
2018
@simgeo35 Well then. I'm glad he's dead.
Sun 23 Dec 14:00
2018
POP QUIZ: Q) What is the name of Scrooge's nephew? A) I will accept Huey, Louis or Dewey.
Sun 23 Dec 14:00
2018
@simgeo35 If any of his views were the same as Rick Stein's then no.
Sun 23 Dec 13:57
2018
Also, now that I'm on one. "You shouldn't put boiling water in tea, it scorches the leaves and skews the flavour!"… https://t.co/JJqDX685k5
Sun 23 Dec 13:51
2018
Telly chefs. No one cares if food is "authentic". If I go to a curry house, I want a Madras or a Rogan Josh. They'… https://t.co/0FQCJSSuF9
Sun 23 Dec 13:49
2018
It's Christmas and Nigel Slater isn't on telly. Why do I pay my telly licence?
Sun 23 Dec 12:28
2018
@Summers2theB @simgeo35 They call me the night mayor. I perform a ceremonial civic role in my sleep. I apparently o… https://t.co/o51AtqMwue
Sat 22 Dec 21:45
2018
@simgeo35 I must be a sleep bigot. It's like a sleep walker but you vote for anti-immigrant legislation while unconscious.
Sat 22 Dec 21:20
2018
@MattyEarle Nah, Robbie Savage thinks he's amazing, so he must be.
Sat 22 Dec 19:10
2018
Ole Gunnar Solskjaer was the perfect Ferguson signing. He was lethal in stoppage time and Fergie always had about 15 minutes of it. #ManUtd
Sat 22 Dec 18:22
2018
@john_17jackson UTD should have got Ralph Hassenhütl.
Sat 22 Dec 17:51
2018
Why has eBay suggested I might like this?? https://t.co/PVxMtWWG4t
Sat 22 Dec 17:17
2018
You know, we're only 33 points off Liverpool now. #SaintsFC
Sat 22 Dec 17:07
2018
My favourite '90s Gladiator was Décolletage.
Fri 21 Dec 20:52
2018
Miley Cyrus - "Nothing Breaks Like a Heart" tell your dad that, love. His has been achy AND breaky since 1992.
Fri 21 Dec 13:19
2018
@gillinghamjoe But FILTHY arses.
Fri 21 Dec 12:14
2018
Fri 21 Dec 10:28
2018
I like how birds of prey are used to take down drones. I knew the aristocracy would come back through the back door… https://t.co/QtLtIQl1OJ
Fri 21 Dec 09:27
2018
@Summers2theB Dunno why they don't just loose a pterodactyl.
Thu 20 Dec 19:30
2018
"homosexuality is 'unnatural'" says a man speaking into a little box that transmits his voice via electrical curren… https://t.co/u3BFQJEOpA
Thu 20 Dec 14:05
2018
Aran jumpers can only be worn dramatically. https://t.co/KBFPzY1QgS
Thu 20 Dec 11:35
2018
I wish someone would call me a beautiful lady. Just once. https://t.co/qoSPlb61l5
Thu 20 Dec 11:03
2018