Joe - profile image
Joe
@JoeSalter89
Yelling nonsense at all my robot advertising followers then crying myself to sleep. #SaintsFC hairdresser to the stars, tycoon, model, liar. Ich Dien.
Followers: 404
Following: 316
Total tweets sent: 7824
Member since: Sun 11 Sep 2011


Joe Latest Tweets

#LiesYourParentsToldYou No, your mother doesn't organise dog fights in the garden after you go to bed.
Thu 20 Jun 16:33
2019
@simgeo35 I get goaty. I've often said my brother's car smells goaty. I like Linnaeus now.
Thu 20 Jun 08:01
2019
@simgeo35 They had a passing knowledge of Magellan. Nothing more.
Wed 19 Jun 19:26
2019
@simgeo35 You have to be on £70k or above to eat there now. I couldn't believe it the last time I dared to enter. T… https://t.co/BE73v8LnQu
Wed 19 Jun 19:17
2019
I've never seen a boxing upset scrutinised so much as #joshuaruiz There's no conspiracy or cover up. Remember Ra… https://t.co/P4GUy1V7HA
Wed 19 Jun 19:08
2019
@simgeo35 The second & last time I went, I ordered a chicken burger that said it was thigh with skin on. I pictured… https://t.co/juLOPFWb37
Wed 19 Jun 19:06
2019
@simgeo35 When it got popular, I wasn't trying to be a contrarian, but I didn't go for years. Mainly because I like… https://t.co/OBWEizT9mr
Wed 19 Jun 19:03
2019
@Muscleswhelan Mine is taking my penis out of the cream horn I insist on wearing on it all day, under my pants. https://t.co/Htka9ETs7g
Wed 19 Jun 18:27
2019
@simgeo35 I went a few weeks ago, sort of by default as it was the only place near Asda to eat. It's like a pub fo… https://t.co/miX23jTGxq
Wed 19 Jun 18:10
2019
Now that we've determined that there's credible evidence the Saudi state &potentially crown prince were behind the… https://t.co/jbh8YkjA6E
Wed 19 Jun 13:08
2019
@whelaninho of course! He'll go there when he's 40 then.
Wed 19 Jun 12:03
2019
Franck Ribery linked to Sheffield United. Why not Chelsea, he's 36, that's young for one of their big signings.
Wed 19 Jun 11:59
2019
The phrase "no smoke without fire" enables you to give a slight legitimacy to anything you say. The saying essenti… https://t.co/znvuzIzoHi
Tue 18 Jun 21:51
2019
Will everyone be quiet? Gregg Wallace is in the Ribena factory. I don't want to miss a word of this. SHHH!
Tue 18 Jun 19:46
2019
Of every human being in this country, how has it basically been whittled down to Boris Johnson being our leader? I… https://t.co/9GsSkIRU1M
Tue 18 Jun 18:14
2019
The new #TopGear with Flintoff, McGuinness and Louie Spence. https://t.co/iIfTASshwC
Mon 17 Jun 19:24
2019
@simgeo35 Someone wrote (on here I think) that they can't see Raab written down without thinking of Scooby Doo aler… https://t.co/AnkCCaA7xf
Sun 16 Jun 19:16
2019
@simgeo35 I heard on telly that his nickname is "Big Rice". I didn't listen long enough to hear why because I was i… https://t.co/ZmZs0HGMK4
Sun 16 Jun 19:13
2019
@simgeo35 Finished it last night. Best thing I've watched in ages, and I've seen a Rob Schneider film before.
Sun 16 Jun 15:45
2019
@JestemPobity You're safe if you support Corbyn. SATIRE.
Sun 16 Jun 01:39
2019
@simgeo35 It's excellent. We're on the penultimate episode. Also Saturday night here.
Sat 15 Jun 21:52
2019
The misses had a go at one of the kids for not listening during homework. "Your concentration is appalling! You may… https://t.co/uxjBjZEvhn
Sat 15 Jun 18:55
2019
Edward II was seen as an unsuitable monarch from the get go, due to his hobbies: Digging, thatching, rowing, chatt… https://t.co/40Ep2KQk5G
Sat 15 Jun 15:17
2019
@JestemPobity Just shows the competition. Ozzy Osbourne too. In this paralytic War of the Roses, Chile's is sitting on the throne of cans.
Sat 15 Jun 14:30
2019
Adrian Chiles has now presented two programmes about binge drinking, finally and triumphantly securing his title as… https://t.co/P8sjk7nlVR
Sat 15 Jun 14:09
2019
@simgeo35 I wouldn't feel like an old fossil. I've heard women drooling over Luke Chadwick on many occasions. You… https://t.co/BRAKhe4rgD
Sat 15 Jun 09:04
2019
@richardogrady85 A semi erect penis.
Fri 14 Jun 18:48
2019
@richardogrady85 Yes but they have to have been dragged along a penis first.
Fri 14 Jun 18:40
2019
A box of 20 Carling is £12 in ASDA. That's 60p a can. Just think about that. 3 of those cans is about 2 pints. So 9… https://t.co/GZPJ6s96Nt
Fri 14 Jun 16:32
2019
You know those people that do stuff? Like climb Mt. Snowdon, go to Iceland, run marathons &... generally do stuff… https://t.co/056w35qvIa
Fri 14 Jun 16:24
2019
Autocorrect. Every time I write 'put', it changes it to 'out' and has done for years on various phones. It shoul… https://t.co/L1hj3SeAGY
Fri 14 Jun 13:36
2019
@richardogrady85 It's a standard Walls breakfast banger. The tip of it has penetrated the arse but only by half an… https://t.co/V3ciSXQAHk
Fri 14 Jun 10:53
2019
@richardogrady85 I'd also like to add, I don't use a flannel, I use one of those plastic netting flower things. Nic… https://t.co/pTgjBlkmWV
Fri 14 Jun 09:38
2019
@richardogrady85 Can something that's been up an arse ever TRULY be clean? If someone had put a sausage up their a… https://t.co/Pjv3CDz08Y
Fri 14 Jun 08:32
2019
The shower catch 22: If you wash your arse first, you're rubbing an arsey flannel over your face/body for the rest… https://t.co/MBDVaBdDls
Fri 14 Jun 07:57
2019
@simgeo35 They don't sound like friends to me. They sound like bigger boys leading you astray. I want you to stop a… https://t.co/QZXnOxdI2U
Wed 12 Jun 18:17
2019
@simgeo35 Why do you think we haven't seen Gary Rhodes for years?
Wed 12 Jun 09:27
2019
@simgeo35 I'd like to know what he'd be like on cocaine. A more intense version of himself. Which means basically h… https://t.co/PKNj09Y2Eg
Mon 10 Jun 19:06
2019
@simgeo35 Florin Palehorse. A poncey fop in the young Tories with floppy hair AND morals. The sort Wilde would've liked.
Mon 10 Jun 18:50
2019
I remember this. It was called "Fish Police". It was a New York detective, film noir-style, caryoon about a cop who… https://t.co/AJQ4oBRy0w
Mon 10 Jun 18:40
2019
Please, please, please everyone stop starting sentences with "so". It's a weird fashion fad and it sounds stupid.… https://t.co/CYNwt53wdN
Sun 9 Jun 17:43
2019
@mrcarrick86 @RealMattLucas I don't think gay people are marching for rights. I'd imagine they're marching because… https://t.co/dtC1MjqDaV
Sat 8 Jun 12:03
2019
@RealMattLucas I'd like to know what rights the people who want straight equality want. They'll be petitioning for… https://t.co/Hui8D632kj
Sat 8 Jun 09:14
2019
Taught my little boy to point his finger like a gun and say "Bond!" No idea why. He's more convincing than Lazenby.
Fri 7 Jun 19:06
2019
@simgeo35 And they erased all record of the Maitland boot straight after.
Fri 7 Jun 18:05
2019
@DaftLimmy You're pretty much asking to be mobbed by ducks waving good bread around like that.
Fri 7 Jun 15:51
2019
@DaftLimmy That looks a right crusty bastard.
Fri 7 Jun 15:44
2019
@agrprog I would agree if I was Dutch. When you see the great players in other positions you have, he doesn't quite fit.
Thu 6 Jun 20:17
2019
Ryan Babel playing for the Dutch is like England insisting on playing Grant Holt every match. #NEDENG #NED #ENG
Thu 6 Jun 20:13
2019
The pundits have bigged this up so much about how England are playing a team on their level and as good as them, th… https://t.co/ssTcGKni0U
Thu 6 Jun 19:42
2019
@simgeo35 Glenn Hoddle is truly mental isn't he.
Thu 6 Jun 19:33
2019
My work is near the army recruitment centre. Every single man in uniform that walks past is morbidly obese. What's… https://t.co/QxgxhH4J6L
Thu 6 Jun 16:28
2019
The ideal Strictly Come Dancing lineup: LAWRO, Dennis Waterman, Richard Madeley, Roy Keane, Rik Waller, Kilroy, FE… https://t.co/7VMzNijZTG
Thu 6 Jun 12:25
2019
The band Toto look like a @JamesMoir10 and @RealBobMortimer (Vic & Bob) sketch these days. https://t.co/FglhOkha3D
Wed 5 Jun 22:33
2019
Wed 5 Jun 22:12
2019
@simgeo35 You tell me? That's the minimum requirement.
Wed 5 Jun 22:11
2019
@simgeo35 Nail*
Wed 5 Jun 22:05
2019
@simgeo35 Can you mail my prize steak to my house please? I'll collect it in a week when I'm back from my sex tour of Somerset.
Wed 5 Jun 22:05
2019
@simgeo35 Pork face
Wed 5 Jun 22:03
2019
@simgeo35 I just do that tight lipped, British, horizontal mouth smile, throw my wallet at them and run away.
Wed 5 Jun 21:58
2019
Always been Remain, more & more so as time goes on but these WWII comparisons are silly. Europe wasn't "united" at… https://t.co/2EoJuwmPtb
Wed 5 Jun 19:06
2019
Nigel Slater's Middle East. I hope he doesn't stray "too Middle East". I don't think he'd be made as welcome in Sa… https://t.co/MgpcYStkwi
Wed 5 Jun 17:43
2019
@simgeo35 i put a half a tin of baked beans in my chilli with the kidney beans instead of sugar. It gives it an extra beany dimension.
Wed 5 Jun 14:37
2019
@DaftLimmy I know you are but what am I?
Wed 5 Jun 14:29
2019
According to a celebrity lookalike app, my 62% doppelganger is the renowned classicist, @wmarybeard. a handsome a… https://t.co/8a7ZnWRTeH
Wed 5 Jun 13:11
2019
@Muscleswhelan I've never seen more than a few clips and all I hear is "he/she is mugging me off". That's all they… https://t.co/R3jlWUTNEm
Tue 4 Jun 13:29
2019
@Summers2theB @simgeo35 This is a mistranslation. It's meant to say: "it's illegal in the UK to be drunk with power… https://t.co/q3aWtsiqx6
Tue 4 Jun 11:05
2019
@simgeo35 Number 3 I'm with you. 1 and 2 have convinced me that you're a French spy who (much like some of the Jap… https://t.co/ZOeWXN40iU
Mon 3 Jun 13:51
2019
@simgeo35 @SouthCoastRed @1MREDVE The rasta guy stood outside my work a few weeks ago and screamed jingle bells at… https://t.co/A3dlhRN0lH
Sat 1 Jun 22:40
2019
@SouthCoastRed @simgeo35 @1MREDVE There are small plastic trophies in my dad's house that I definitely didn't win,… https://t.co/Gz35qlfCzH
Sat 1 Jun 22:37
2019
@simgeo35 @SouthCoastRed @1MREDVE Ah. What about Alexander the Great? He's Swindonian, right? According to my dad,… https://t.co/HYOBRSLaUK
Sat 1 Jun 22:33
2019
@SouthCoastRed @simgeo35 @1MREDVE Mental. Was Dean Ashton from Swindon? Or am I making that up.
Sat 1 Jun 22:32
2019
@SouthCoastRed @simgeo35 @1MREDVE Wasn't it for over a million, at a time when that was still a decent amount?
Sat 1 Jun 22:29
2019
@simgeo35 @SouthCoastRed @1MREDVE He almost went to West ham for a huge sum at the time didn't he. But was too home… https://t.co/TSMJBNucG3
Sat 1 Jun 22:27
2019
@SouthCoastRed @simgeo35 A friend of mine knew Shane Long's misses, and she said to him she hates Leroy Lita becaus… https://t.co/oeFshTNHxe
Sat 1 Jun 22:26
2019
@SouthCoastRed @simgeo35 @1MREDVE I miss those old boys. Their polite, west country abuse was far more cutting that… https://t.co/QEOft30D5s
Sat 1 Jun 22:25
2019
@SouthCoastRed @simgeo35 @1MREDVE A good tackle got a crowd going as much as a goal. A lost art.
Sat 1 Jun 22:23
2019
@SouthCoastRed @simgeo35 @1MREDVE People dived. They said they'd crack down on diving. What they actually did was b… https://t.co/EazRBNYCzs
Sat 1 Jun 22:22
2019
@simgeo35 @1MREDVE @SouthCoastRed "Mr. Rennie! This is a farce, much like your handball decision for Ipswich agains… https://t.co/KuOwJh5p41
Sat 1 Jun 22:22
2019
@simgeo35 @1MREDVE @SouthCoastRed I remember when my dad first started taking me there was an old West country fell… https://t.co/eXj44ZEGXx
Sat 1 Jun 22:20
2019
@SouthCoastRed @1MREDVE @simgeo35 That name drop clanged so hard the John Murray building quaked.
Sat 1 Jun 22:17
2019
@1MREDVE @SouthCoastRed @simgeo35 Sorry to drop a name here, but I went to primary school with Michael Pook. Breathe that in.
Sat 1 Jun 22:15
2019
@SouthCoastRed @simgeo35 Is that Cuervo? He definitely was a striker for us. Well I never.
Sat 1 Jun 22:14
2019
@simgeo35 @1MREDVE @SouthCoastRed When I say they all nakedly "signed" my shirt...
Sat 1 Jun 22:13
2019
@simgeo35 @SouthCoastRed David Duke was the best. He'd come on to boos, but come on to boos every single game god bless him.
Sat 1 Jun 22:13
2019
@1MREDVE @SouthCoastRed @simgeo35 The McMahon years are when I had a season ticket, too. I was a mascot and saw Mar… https://t.co/zhA4WL7Ufu
Sat 1 Jun 22:12
2019
@simgeo35 @SouthCoastRed Philipe Cuervo, "The French Messi" must have.
Sat 1 Jun 22:08
2019
@SouthCoastRed @simgeo35 I remember seeing Bullock stamp on someone, the referee missing it despite the fan protest… https://t.co/BSkearZSWI
Sat 1 Jun 22:06
2019
@SouthCoastRed @simgeo35 Ty Gooden must've won one?
Sat 1 Jun 22:04
2019
@john_17jackson Yep. Genuinely true. It might even have been you I was waiting for! 🤣
Sat 1 Jun 19:35
2019
Short blokes with short sleeve check shirts, tanned arms with silver hairs, early 50s, grey buzzcut, sucked in gut,… https://t.co/Yv2MD3Aphd
Sat 1 Jun 18:02
2019
If he had my best interests in mind and had said, "lovely coat but indoors? You won't feel the benefit when you go… https://t.co/jYuhzYtPh1
Sat 1 Jun 17:22
2019
Once, I popped into a pub (Rollestone Arms) while waiting to meet a mate. A man waiting to be served said, "why you… https://t.co/DwZLWLeyCj
Sat 1 Jun 17:19
2019
@simgeo35 The Hound from Game of Thrones has let himself go.
Sat 1 Jun 16:47
2019
@simgeo35 He didn't say how many spoons Clapton had requested be bent within those 44 years. Could have been millio… https://t.co/EpREEaMwK4
Sat 1 Jun 16:47
2019
@adamhess1 Even the ice hotel. Stinks of the shit.
Sat 1 Jun 11:05
2019
🎶Don't go chasing waterfowl, Please stick to the chickens, not the drakes your not used to.🎶 🦆
Sat 1 Jun 11:04
2019
@john_17jackson I just went to the chin plastic surgeon and asked for the Kane
Sat 1 Jun 09:57
2019
@john_17jackson Same weirdly?
Sat 1 Jun 09:39
2019
@JestemPobity If you will keep soggying up their jigsaws, this kind of thing is bound to happen.
Fri 31 May 22:16
2019
@john_17jackson That's played every three songs on Heart.
Fri 31 May 20:32
2019
People moan about positive discrimination but I'm all for it. I'd love to see an average, 45 year old bloke with a… https://t.co/HN0bTRZf5c
Fri 31 May 20:32
2019
Who stole my garden furniture? Must have been a pergola.
Fri 31 May 19:49
2019
I'm going to go on a Kavana tribute tour under the name, "Kavanagh". https://t.co/60ftir1INU
Fri 31 May 19:45
2019
Every genre has a "battle" element to it now. Rap battles, dance battles, now art battles, according to The One Sho… https://t.co/eoSpG1jNlo
Fri 31 May 19:24
2019
@simgeo35 I read that he was going to sign Robbie Savage for Sunderland, so he rang him and it went to voicemail: "… https://t.co/PxWwAcqkgj
Fri 31 May 17:02
2019
@simgeo35 Pound shop Roy Keane. Imagine phoning Keane and saying: "boss, I'm stuck in traffic, I'll be ten minutes… https://t.co/hZgIljn7AB
Fri 31 May 16:53
2019
This is why I don't watch QI. It makes people think they can say things like the below and not get some ham stapled… https://t.co/GiKYvCogY8
Fri 31 May 11:04
2019
The misses just asked me, out of the blue, without him being on telly or mentioned in our house for years: "Do you… https://t.co/0mfZxXUDK4
Wed 29 May 20:17
2019
@simgeo35 @Paulr04 He's also got a Jew-doo doll. He puts pins into it and it causes anti-Semitic scandal in the Labour party.
Tue 28 May 20:46
2019
@Paulr04 @simgeo35 He's certainly up there. Michael Gove does too. He seems like he's never shown an emotion. I thi… https://t.co/fO1RjfuSll
Tue 28 May 20:17
2019
Ooooooh... "AOC" is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. I've embarrassed myself in this political debate. I thought we were t… https://t.co/3oOXFvzViX
Tue 28 May 20:07
2019
@simgeo35 Can't trust a Tory, even when it comes to sandwiches. Even though ironically the Earl of Sandwich is a To… https://t.co/U1rQzw0eKq
Tue 28 May 20:00
2019
@simgeo35 I don't want to crush your spirit... But the Havelock branch closed down. It's in the Brunel now. I'm so sorry.
Tue 28 May 19:52
2019
@simgeo35 LL Cool Gar.
Mon 27 May 11:24
2019
@DaftLimmy Proper bloke. Old-fashioned gent.
Mon 27 May 10:44
2019
So STALIN STALIN stand, by me.
Mon 27 May 02:02
2019
I remember from hymns at school that they'd take liberty with words to make them fit. "Heav'n" "Bethl'em" Etc. Co… https://t.co/gpftt3dNvw
Mon 27 May 01:29
2019
Michael Sembello - Maniac, just came on. A weird, extended version that lasted so long I had to have three outfit changes.
Sun 26 May 23:50
2019
Referee Kevin Friend has a coin with Hall on one side and Oates on the other, which he uses to choose who kicks off… https://t.co/w9a5Gi7Bjr
Sun 26 May 23:41
2019
@simgeo35 Shakespeare was SHIT at using authentic national names wasn't he. His lost play set in Acre about a Sarac… https://t.co/yuFobDFFKu
Sun 26 May 22:51
2019
@simgeo35 A guy called Stavros Papadopoulos gave me a desk fan that wasn't PAT tested. Arse holes.
Sun 26 May 22:20
2019
@simgeo35 Isn't Julia Hartley Brewer this guy? https://t.co/dvhgEzBN4S
Sun 26 May 20:56
2019
I wanna be one of those short, fat, sun-burnt middle-aged men in a check shirt who walks into curry houses they've… https://t.co/sWtsopjMNb
Sun 26 May 17:59
2019
I wish they'd do a late night, raunchy version of James Martin's Sunday show, like they did with Hollyoaks. Also G… https://t.co/eEVVSvoSbq
Sun 26 May 10:12
2019
I don't understand Yorkshire people. They all purport to have grown up with "nowt but a pot to piss in" but also cl… https://t.co/ylQ70A4OEp
Sun 26 May 09:59
2019
@simgeo35 It actually just means that when the check out lady scans them she shows you her tit.
Sun 26 May 09:53
2019
@simgeo35 They're delicious! With mash and peas they're gourmet. And the makers are true gentlemen. Look at the red… https://t.co/txmuVzpbhh
Sun 26 May 09:50
2019
What sicko scored Mr. Brain's faggots less than 5 stars? https://t.co/rXia3I5Koo
Sun 26 May 09:13
2019
@harveyschmacker You're a hero.
Fri 24 May 18:31
2019
@Muscleswhelan Haha. The guy analysing it is a hero. And he's definitely 100% spot on. I'd invest more time in pol… https://t.co/jUojdxHgHO
Fri 24 May 18:30
2019
Read this guy's analysis. Genius. https://t.co/nYNkLxkKXj
Fri 24 May 17:28
2019
I can do a relatively accomplished impression of Bob Geldof, signing that "Barbara Streisand" song by "Duck Sauce".… https://t.co/3QjagL2rc9
Fri 24 May 15:02
2019
@redskyatnight I've got an earthworm that helps me deal with hangover paranoia.
Fri 24 May 14:29
2019
@TheGifKing She edged into a 1 way street, realised her error, then reversed off. If someone beeped at her, fine. B… https://t.co/32lIbN1Yl8
Fri 24 May 13:14
2019
@TheGifKing Yep.
Fri 24 May 10:19
2019
@john_17jackson @richardogrady85 That style yeah. Could have been Vans or Etnies though!
Fri 24 May 10:00
2019
Resting Birch Face https://t.co/LUR7gncXid
Fri 24 May 09:47
2019
When I think about the birth of my son, this is all I can remember. https://t.co/8WtWWlabxM
Fri 24 May 09:41
2019
@richardogrady85 I've never seen such community anger. a 30 odd year old man dressed as a skater shouted "IT's A FU… https://t.co/ZIpMsoIBZP
Fri 24 May 09:39
2019
I'm gonna go and drive down Swindon Commercial Road, the wrong way, naked, waving out the window, smiling at all th… https://t.co/tdjVZdQzwd
Fri 24 May 09:29
2019
Someone driving the wrong way down a one way street really brings the community together - in hatred for whoever is the "culprit".
Fri 24 May 09:27
2019
witnessed a woman begin to drive down a 1 way st. the wrong way, realise her error, stop and reverse. No harm done.… https://t.co/Y0t8mMcQd2
Fri 24 May 09:26
2019
@simgeo35 It was commissioned by this fella. https://t.co/CAzafc9i5G
Fri 24 May 08:05
2019
@DaftLimmy I hope I become famous and die so I can be the subject of one of these tweets one day.
Fri 24 May 08:04
2019
@simgeo35 Certainly those Pulp gigs you keep trying to put on would be.
Thu 23 May 15:51
2019
Car's our of action. Taken a 1/2 day at work as I've got the boy while the misses is off out. He's being dropped of… https://t.co/dTFFRQ8xNh
Wed 22 May 20:22
2019
The moral of The Elves and The Shoemaker story is: If someone helps you make loads of cash, don't give them gifts… https://t.co/VT7Ju0REv2
Wed 22 May 19:52
2019
@MaisieAdam A boy at school had a verruca sock on at swimming. He said it was because he had a robot foot and he di… https://t.co/hwQhQCobLM
Wed 22 May 18:43
2019
A heavily pregnant woman, pushing a pram with a young baby in it had this logo on her vest. I wonder if it was a ma… https://t.co/byZIoLB4PH
Wed 22 May 15:32
2019
@JestemPobity @DaftLimmy I met tonight's planned edition of Limmy's stream at a charity do once...
Tue 21 May 21:10
2019
@simgeo35 @MattDupuy I died during a big battle - of food poisoning. That's the battle, the battle of food poison… https://t.co/6AOFV9vbT9
Tue 21 May 17:04
2019
Can someone please explain to me why 30 odd year old men from the West Country are saying things like: "LIKE! YA, I… https://t.co/7UcCNsdgJc
Tue 21 May 14:01
2019
Ever feel a bit mental when you're slightly hungover? I was just walking round WH Smith, humming a Spice Girls son… https://t.co/WA5WfkwKPp
Tue 21 May 12:57
2019
#HISTORYFACT Here is a portrait of King Charles II. He honed his interior design skills after the 1666 Great Fire… https://t.co/tsFoovpnv4
Mon 20 May 13:53
2019
@simgeo35 Well lime impressed with that pun. (Sorry)
Sun 19 May 22:00
2019
I wonder if someone first invented the 'cat 'o eight tails' but thought it wasn't quite cruel enough.
Sun 19 May 21:58
2019
@maddielee27 Thank you, I'll sleep well tonight.
Sun 19 May 20:41
2019
@maddielee27 The question on all of our lips: Was she an ugly cunt?
Sun 19 May 20:38
2019
Here's my attempt at a meaningless, "inspirational quote". "Be driven and you'll be driven." https://t.co/fiiue7bLOH
Sun 19 May 18:51
2019
🎶"PROZAC MAKES MY PEE HOLE, STICK TOGETHER, YEAH!"🎶 https://t.co/Er4VBDl37H
Sun 19 May 12:04
2019
Prince Naseem Hamed singing for Italy there. #Eurovision #ITA
Sat 18 May 21:52
2019
@simgeo35 Sorry. That was vulgar. But I'm Vulgarian so I'm allowed.
Fri 17 May 21:46
2019
@simgeo35 That you ride bareback and no woman can stop you because you're such a bloody hot stud.
Fri 17 May 21:45
2019
@simgeo35 You probably realised that didn't you. I've gone and pointed out a joke that was subtly but purposely made haven't I...
Fri 17 May 21:42
2019
@simgeo35 And Trojan ironically are a condom brand.
Fri 17 May 21:39
2019
@mantropik He was so pissed during the early '90s that he believed Mr. Chips to be the commissioner of ITV.
Fri 17 May 20:43
2019
@mantropik Lunch porking? Looking*
Fri 17 May 20:41
2019
@mantropik I like how he degenerates throughout catchphrase. Starts with, "ooo it's good but it's not quite right!"… https://t.co/ed1Afmc0jg
Fri 17 May 20:41
2019
@mantropik In fact, I hear he wakes up in the night scratching at his arms shouting, "HE'S UNDER MY SKIN! HE'S SWIM… https://t.co/Z1ukLXNEgh
Fri 17 May 20:38
2019
@mantropik It's probably whiskey knowing our Roy. At the end of that night he was face down with shit in his pants… https://t.co/lrYOdYl9s4
Fri 17 May 20:36
2019
Happy Friday. Cheers everyone. RIIIIIIIGHT!!! https://t.co/WjjjIv6EXK
Fri 17 May 20:30
2019
@simgeo35 Have you seen the parrot man? A man who walks around with a parrot on his shoulder (creative nickname).… https://t.co/GTdl2rMCyq
Fri 17 May 17:52
2019
@simgeo35 Funnily enough, there was a man outside my work doing that the other day. I didn't see a headset... I wo… https://t.co/1qGFrrb42S
Fri 17 May 17:48
2019
I was just asked for an email and some personal details, in a shop, in lieu of a paper receipt. The bloke went, "a… https://t.co/L0VoSwW8Is
Fri 17 May 14:32
2019
@simgeo35 And that's an official fact, I didn't make it up like 78.912762847% of statistics.
Thu 16 May 18:01
2019
@simgeo35 The gov. want us all to go on buses for eco reasons. They obviously have never been themselves. 90% of bus drivers are sociopaths.
Thu 16 May 18:01
2019
@simgeo35 @TomEatW0rld I just don't know what qualifies these "big clubs". It seems most clubs in the league are "big clubs".
Thu 16 May 10:24
2019
@TomEatW0rld Gutted about Leeds. Amazing fans and a real big club as opposed to all the other "big clubs" like Vi… https://t.co/Fge84fzD7p
Thu 16 May 10:00
2019
A "Wet Nigel" is when you dip your finger in a pint of bitter and wipe it down someone's arse crack. https://t.co/VmguIfj4PR
Thu 16 May 09:01
2019
It seems the '90s are fashionable & cool again. People pick and choose which parts though. Mainly the luminous ny… https://t.co/rofjZfb8vA
Thu 16 May 08:41
2019
@TomEatW0rld GET IN!!!
Wed 15 May 20:10
2019
@mcinnes003 makes me want to go bowling.
Wed 15 May 14:41
2019
My grandfather used to brag about waking up at 5:30 every morning, "before the binmen". Called me lazy for not doin… https://t.co/J2adEYxfYy
Wed 15 May 11:34
2019
@simgeo35 I've gone hunter-gatherer. I won't eat anything neolithic man didn't eat. I'm absolutely starving; my hu… https://t.co/QnfEYuDZEX
Wed 15 May 09:43
2019
@simgeo35 Nelson Mandela wrote Free Nelson Mandela. The cheeky chappy.
Tue 14 May 13:32
2019
#JeremyKyle used to rile up people with mental health issues, then when they reacted in the only way they knew how… https://t.co/mmLdOxgsEQ
Tue 14 May 13:24
2019
@Muscleswhelan A really kind thing to do - but when they say grateful, what they mean is if we could speak sloth, w… https://t.co/u6k1ZwVl8x
Tue 14 May 12:57
2019
Gin Coffee Fever tree Prosecco When is E G G N O G Going to be cool? https://t.co/N6z4gh0ygZ
Tue 14 May 11:03
2019
Remember when this guy named himself "Uncle Kracker", dressed like a gangsta rapper and released a really middle of… https://t.co/peawSOIdRU
Tue 14 May 09:57
2019
@simgeo35 Uuurrrrm life... is bigger, it's bigger than you and you are not me.
Tue 14 May 09:07
2019