Jon - profile image
Jon
@nottherealjon
.Ex-RAF now in IT, personal views etc. Season ticket #saintsfc fan. Follow for inane drivel & mutterings. Don't do #FF
Followers: 935
Following: 932
Total tweets sent: 34602
Member since: Sun 08 Feb 2009


Jon Latest Tweets

So one of the dogs decided to decorate the conservatory with shit. Major leakage. Where's my respirator when I need it? πŸ’©
Sat 23 Sep 08:08
2017
@StarlitAlicia Enjoy whilst you still can!
Fri 22 Sep 22:07
2017
Must admit, almost made me throw up. πŸ’©
Fri 22 Sep 21:21
2017
I must apologise to the residents of Portswood tonight. It wasn't a gas leak. Well it was, sort of. πŸ’©
Fri 22 Sep 21:17
2017
@StarlitAlicia You in B'mouth or home?
Fri 22 Sep 21:13
2017
@StarlitAlicia How was your journey in the end? Did the Romsey route & took about hour 30
Fri 22 Sep 20:49
2017
@StarlitAlicia Google tells me my journey is 2.5 hrs but A303 and Stockbridge is 1 hr 20 mins
Fri 22 Sep 16:24
2017
@StarlitAlicia Roger.
Fri 22 Sep 16:22
2017
@StarlitAlicia If it's bad as it looks I'd say A303 then head south via Kings Somborne. Bit further but you'll be moving
Fri 22 Sep 16:20
2017
@StarlitAlicia Yep sadly. Down M3 onto M27 then west. Just seen traffic, think I'll go cross country to Stockbridge then Romsey
Fri 22 Sep 16:17
2017
@andyofandrew Ta. Very useful to know. I normally park at car park near the station.
Fri 22 Sep 10:47
2017
Ahhh Friday, how I have missed thee! Give us a cuddle! https://t.co/iDA4vLVa92
Fri 22 Sep 07:16
2017
@pinkfoxsox There'll be an algorithm picking up on the fact you like duck cock pictures & will fill your TL. Basica… https://t.co/BXzktFzywI
Thu 21 Sep 21:17
2017
@StarlitAlicia See on the M3 in traffic!
Thu 21 Sep 21:15
2017
@StarlitAlicia But tired myself tbh. You been on double shift?
Thu 21 Sep 21:07
2017
I see they're all falling for the 'Following Me' windup over on FB. Idiots.
Thu 21 Sep 20:53
2017
@Firstofthetwo @SAINTSINFRANCE Mine tend to run away so I have to use gaffer tape to restrain them. Very relaxing a… https://t.co/LV6QjKzqkx
Thu 21 Sep 19:39
2017
@Firstofthetwo @SAINTSINFRANCE That's a shame, was hoping it was a spot. I use my kids as human bubble wrap. πŸ‘‰πŸ‘ƒπŸ‘ˆ
Thu 21 Sep 19:36
2017
@Firstofthetwo @SAINTSINFRANCE Spot or poo?
Thu 21 Sep 19:29
2017
Going to Richmond\Twickenham at end of month, any ideas on how to past the time locally for a couple of hours? Anywhere to visit?
Thu 21 Sep 12:30
2017
@blondiesaint Gabbi with Chaz just behind him
Thu 21 Sep 08:14
2017
Morning world. Been at my desk 40 minutes and still feel asleep. Someone bring me bacon. https://t.co/5k8snS6LuJ
Thu 21 Sep 07:41
2017
@H_Corset_Curves I normally reply with a 'Do Fuck Off!'
Wed 20 Sep 20:52
2017
@H_Corset_Curves https://t.co/EGPZnFO7XK
Wed 20 Sep 20:50
2017
@3andemma Mine tells me off if I swear!
Wed 20 Sep 20:45
2017
@StarlitAlicia Yep!
Wed 20 Sep 19:58
2017
I think I've just paid my son a fiver to watch me mow the lawn πŸ€”
Wed 20 Sep 19:12
2017
@blondiesaint Mine is absolutely disgusted about the thought of it so I regularly tell him we'll make a replacement!
Wed 20 Sep 19:05
2017
@StarlitAlicia I told mine we're going to make a replacement tonight so he'd better wear his headphones!
Wed 20 Sep 18:18
2017
Just reminded my 14yo he's the product of sex with his mother. I swear he thinks it was an immaculate conception πŸ‘‰πŸ‘ŒπŸ‘‰πŸ‘ŒπŸ‘‰πŸ‘Œ
Wed 20 Sep 17:50
2017
@PorteousStuart Well done fella!
Wed 20 Sep 16:22
2017
@saintant @BigFootballGB What, NEXT YEAR IS THEIR YEAR?!!
Tue 19 Sep 22:22
2017
@JWCChristiansen @boothead @09EA63 @JohnNicholRAF I had a SF role. Junior so carried the tripod. Obvs.
Tue 19 Sep 22:20
2017
@JWCChristiansen @boothead @09EA63 @JohnNicholRAF Not as much fun as a GPMG on a night shoot with tracer though!
Tue 19 Sep 22:13
2017
@JWCChristiansen @boothead @09EA63 @JohnNicholRAF Remember it well. Still got the scratch below the eye from the first time I fired it!
Tue 19 Sep 22:06
2017
@JWCChristiansen @boothead @09EA63 @JohnNicholRAF 5.56 definitely cheaper and makes smaller holes tbh.
Tue 19 Sep 22:00
2017
@JWCChristiansen @boothead @09EA63 @JohnNicholRAF Know of 2 ND's with Rapier missiles, one in the FI and one in Gul… https://t.co/Wh1QEyXUYo
Tue 19 Sep 21:52
2017
@Binty_xx Well done, really pleased for you!
Tue 19 Sep 21:51
2017
@robmanuel I'm 7000, do I win a speedboat like on Bullseye?
Tue 19 Sep 21:44
2017
@kezzzalou Yep, completely true. Not too disheartening and I've not put a timetable to my target! πŸ‘
Tue 19 Sep 21:41
2017
@GinQueen13 Ta!
Tue 19 Sep 19:49
2017
@GinQueen13 Nah, I've almost lost a stone in 3 weeks, 2 pounds off!
Tue 19 Sep 19:48
2017
@nursiedeb Yep, it's in the right direction! πŸ‘
Tue 19 Sep 19:48
2017
@GinQueen13 It's in the right direction, just a couple off a stone in 3 weeks!
Tue 19 Sep 19:47
2017
@bigwindowfitter Aye! πŸ‘
Tue 19 Sep 19:47
2017
Lost one pound...not what I hoped but did have 2 business lunches & wine tasting so happy it's in the right direction!
Tue 19 Sep 19:42
2017
@nursiedeb Great news, well done!
Tue 19 Sep 18:59
2017
Weigh in tonight. Hoping for 2lbs but 3.5 hits a stone in 3 weeks. https://t.co/6XWWfAdXin
Tue 19 Sep 18:59
2017
Weigh-in tonight, 3rd week. Spending all afternoon on toilet pushing out what extra ounces I can. https://t.co/PuzCtVA12k
Tue 19 Sep 12:43
2017
@M0O_MOO @therainking_ Be warned, I'm the quiet one.
Tue 19 Sep 07:42
2017
@therainking_ @M0O_MOO Never met him. https://t.co/nSvP99AXlJ
Tue 19 Sep 07:11
2017
@M0O_MOO Awww thanks Moo! You've a special place in my heart as well. Send nudes. https://t.co/80YUVE7V6z
Tue 19 Sep 05:54
2017
Sleeping partners. These two have such a close bond. ❀ https://t.co/ZB22UmWLGm
Mon 18 Sep 21:44
2017
@JamieGilo @armorel_x My last job the facilities manager sent an email around with photos of the toilets where some… https://t.co/ZC9NJLPduR
Mon 18 Sep 20:25
2017
@M0O_MOO It'll need more than 140 characters but I'll put it together one time when I've got time, it's both nasty… https://t.co/mDwcaMeBJb
Mon 18 Sep 19:55
2017
@M0O_MOO Got a great story about Chucky & an arsehole of a brother I've not spoken to since 1984. Long story but funny. 😁
Mon 18 Sep 19:48
2017
@jk_rowling @matt_kempez I'm a strong independent bloke. You're on your own here JK.
Mon 18 Sep 19:07
2017
@helpsainsburys @M0O_MOO Power cuts in Southampton. Not saying it's related but...
Mon 18 Sep 19:01
2017
@LYCoolJ Will take a look!
Sun 17 Sep 17:57
2017
@LYCoolJ Anywhere near the refugee problems?
Sun 17 Sep 17:14
2017
@LYCoolJ Is that where you are?
Sun 17 Sep 17:11
2017
@StarlitAlicia Beware sticky carpets. https://t.co/RGY44HcNTc
Sun 17 Sep 16:32
2017
@PlainTravis @EmdudsCo Every cloud has a silver lining, you could have been a birthday blow job!
Sun 17 Sep 16:23
2017
@LYCoolJ Never been to Greece so somewhere new!
Sun 17 Sep 16:21
2017
@LYCoolJ It was ok. Was a good experience but most wine was too sweet. Brought a Port-like English wine back https://t.co/CAPieYHijn good?
Sun 17 Sep 16:17
2017
@JellyAli Probably been banned from Greggs I suspect https://t.co/VNPgsnEQ7x
Sun 17 Sep 16:13
2017
Sun 17 Sep 16:10
2017
@pintsizePiTCH Look great though!
Sun 17 Sep 13:23
2017
@GeekCadet Doffs cap to hubby!!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜ https://t.co/JzVfYqf6r1
Sun 17 Sep 13:21
2017
@lennysaints Oh....just seen... https://t.co/QUJHNQbsMO
Sat 16 Sep 21:38
2017
@lennysaints What's the story on big Ron?
Sat 16 Sep 21:37
2017
@Roseyanny Best video The Chauffeur obviously.
Sat 16 Sep 21:31
2017
@itsmevictoriac Lived there for 9 years, it's a great country. Cologne is nice, lovely cathedral & zoo
Sat 16 Sep 17:21
2017
@Firstofthetwo @finchypoos Have a good day!
Sat 16 Sep 11:02
2017
@Firstofthetwo @finchypoos It knows I'm changing it in a few months. Expensive things are cars!! Wine in half an hour 🍷😁
Sat 16 Sep 10:55
2017
@Firstofthetwo @finchypoos It's got worst. Starter motor has just gone. The world hates me today!! 😐😁
Sat 16 Sep 10:33
2017
Here. @ Shaftesbury https://t.co/gme9iwpp20
Sat 16 Sep 09:59
2017
@EmdudsCo Doesnt everyone?
Sat 16 Sep 07:38
2017
@jwestra2 After midday but gotta travel there!
Sat 16 Sep 07:38
2017
Off wine tasting today.... 🍷
Sat 16 Sep 07:35
2017
@finchypoos Thanks Finchy. I knew I could depend on you for emotional support. 😁
Fri 15 Sep 21:51
2017
@amyclare95 My wife once suggested we have a romantic night in watching The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas. That screwed up the romance.
Fri 15 Sep 21:45
2017
Is a mechanic.He turns up and twists the nut in THE FUCKING OPPOSITE way I was. It comes off. #FML At least it's all sorted & my car is back
Fri 15 Sep 21:43
2017
Try to change the wheel with the newly found locking wheel nut. It slips. I nut the car. I can't get it off. I call the father in law who
Fri 15 Sep 21:42
2017
Point I made the call. Pull over on the relatively empty motorway to the hard shoulder. Get out & it's there. Get home tonight and
Fri 15 Sep 21:40
2017
But realise that I called home so check Google maps & can see where I made the call. I get up at 5 am & use google maps to navigate to the
Fri 15 Sep 21:39
2017
So I'm left with all sorts of options. The nut is generic & designed to break without right locking nut. Only option is to weld a nut on
Fri 15 Sep 21:38
2017
Which eventually I realise is somewhere on the M3. Means I can't replace the space saver tyre on car with proper one. Bollocks.
Fri 15 Sep 21:37
2017
Changed no bother. Decide to leave early to get tyre changed. Arrive at garage where the bloke asks where the locking wheel nut is.
Fri 15 Sep 21:36
2017
It slipped & I head butted the car & dented it. Within 10 mins the tyre is changed so I pack up & go on my way. The wind screen is
Fri 15 Sep 21:35
2017
Passenger side it would be easy to change. I'm on the hard shoulder changing the tyre but the locking wheel nut kept slipping. At one
Fri 15 Sep 21:34
2017
Tuesday. So Tuesday comes & I get a blow out on the M3. Call home as I didn't have my AA cover details in the car but decide as it's >
Fri 15 Sep 21:33
2017
It's been one of those weeks. Sunday, leaving Swansea a rock flew out of nowhere & hit my windscreen. Arranged for a new one to be fitted>
Fri 15 Sep 21:32
2017
@GinQueen13 No wonder you're full of worry. Let's hope he's back to normal quickly!
Fri 15 Sep 21:19
2017
@GinQueen13 Are you back in the U.K.?
Fri 15 Sep 21:17
2017
@GinQueen13 Awww fingers crossed! Sending my best to him! Must be worrying for you & your mum
Fri 15 Sep 21:17
2017
@GinQueen13 Omg, is he ok?
Fri 15 Sep 21:13
2017
@CurvyDeviant Nope! 😁
Fri 15 Sep 21:13
2017
@Firstofthetwo I work with too many fat sweaty blokes! 🀀
Fri 15 Sep 14:32
2017
@Firstofthetwo Christ, I hope not!
Fri 15 Sep 13:57
2017
@StarlitAlicia Cool, will do!
Fri 15 Sep 07:15
2017
I literally lost my nut this week but it's ended well.... https://t.co/NDclgwiV13
Fri 15 Sep 06:48
2017
@AdamBlackmore Well done Adam, you're an inspiration. Just lost 10 lbs in 2 weeks at the start of my journey. Great work!
Fri 15 Sep 06:39
2017
@nursiedeb It's I long journey so I wish you all the luck on that!
Thu 14 Sep 20:58
2017
@nursiedeb Pressed reply before finishing tweet. But it does show you're committed.
Thu 14 Sep 20:57
2017
@Mythical_Siren1 Ours is growing at the mo as well. Looking forward to cracking them open at Xmas
Thu 14 Sep 20:56
2017
@nursiedeb I think you were probably too hard on yourself.
Thu 14 Sep 20:55
2017
@Mythical_Siren1 Bought a couple of bottles with the intention of not drinking until Xmas. Gin bottles don't gather dust in my house!
Thu 14 Sep 20:53
2017
@nursiedeb We're making a pastry free quiche at the moment. I love them! Do you ever have a wobble or are you quite disciplined?
Thu 14 Sep 20:52
2017
@Mythical_Siren1 I'm not missing carbs but would kill for a bottle of red!
Thu 14 Sep 20:49
2017
@nursiedeb That's great to see, you do look great. Love the exercise as well! My diet allows lots of veg & meat & I… https://t.co/1RVnKHwGYw
Thu 14 Sep 20:47
2017
@ChrisPen2530 Did sneak in a cheeky wine as well.... 🍷
Thu 14 Sep 20:45
2017
@Mythical_Siren1 That made me lol! πŸ˜‚ eat lots of fruit every time you need a carb hit!!
Thu 14 Sep 20:44
2017
@nursiedeb Are you generally keeping on track?
Thu 14 Sep 20:43
2017
In London today for a business lunch. Managed to stay on diet (almost) with the largest ever steak I've seen. Protein overload
Thu 14 Sep 20:41
2017
@alextomo @Channel4News I know Boris is a tit but I'd argue that is aid though. Military aid to coordinate the aid package surely?
Thu 14 Sep 19:13
2017
Long day hob nobbing with govt & senior military officials today. Quite knackered... https://t.co/WjYKED4PNS
Thu 14 Sep 18:48
2017
@isplumm @SlimmingWorld Cracking news, well done mate!
Wed 13 Sep 19:45
2017
...and Savage a legend? When the fuck did that happen? https://t.co/TCW9js6Hh3
Wed 13 Sep 07:34
2017
@JPW_NBCSports Not scored in the #JPT though #RickieLambert #saintsfc
Tue 12 Sep 23:20
2017
@Firstofthetwo I can see it, you look really good. Change is never instant & it's not race but you're toning up!
Tue 12 Sep 22:08
2017
@GavinROfficial It depends, I'd say it doesn't really do anything new other phones do already. Lots of money for a shiny Apple badge!
Tue 12 Sep 22:07
2017
@Firstofthetwo You've done well & I love seeing your transition. Others see your progress more than you do!
Tue 12 Sep 22:05
2017
@Firstofthetwo Percentage wise you'll beat me plus you look great anyway & a major inspiration πŸ’ͺ
Tue 12 Sep 21:44
2017
@DodieP1966 4.5 lbs and slimmer of the week! https://t.co/MF4myoSsAB
Tue 12 Sep 21:42
2017
@OGillyO Ta, well chuffed!
Tue 12 Sep 21:42
2017
@CurvyDeviant Not the best day!
Tue 12 Sep 21:41
2017
@Firstofthetwo Cheers Pinky!
Tue 12 Sep 20:08
2017
Lost 41/2 pounds to take my total to 10 1/2 in 2 weeks. Result! https://t.co/7AftvWTzQ1
Tue 12 Sep 19:50
2017
@nursiedeb Ta. Hope i can emulate your good work!
Tue 12 Sep 19:03
2017
Off to slimming world. Hoping I've lost this week.
Tue 12 Sep 19:02
2017
@andyofandrew Is his nose broken as well?
Tue 12 Sep 17:11
2017
@M0O_MOO Vagi..oh. salmon definitely.
Tue 12 Sep 17:11
2017
@Firstofthetwo That's exactly what I've got to do. Gotta weld a nut on to take it off.
Tue 12 Sep 17:06
2017
@Firstofthetwo I'm really considering smashing the fuck out the car with a hammer & saying it was an accident.
Tue 12 Sep 16:29
2017
Fml.... lost locking wheel nut so can't change tyre. https://t.co/bCgZMDs9qx
Tue 12 Sep 16:20
2017
@nursiedeb Great news, well done!!
Tue 12 Sep 16:15
2017
@andyofandrew That sounds painful! I don't think it's broken as the car took the impact.
Tue 12 Sep 13:44
2017
@andyofandrew Ta buddy.
Tue 12 Sep 13:41
2017
@andyofandrew I was changing a tyre and the wheelnut needed some help so I accidentally nutted it to help it on it's way
Tue 12 Sep 13:36
2017
@StarlitAlicia At this moment in time I'm going for the nose.
Tue 12 Sep 13:35
2017
@andyofandrew It happens.
Tue 12 Sep 13:34
2017
@andyofandrew I head butted my car.
Tue 12 Sep 13:32
2017
Frigging nose still hurts and I'm Β£150 lighter. https://t.co/VIbf3AAGvd
Tue 12 Sep 13:30
2017
@finchypoos Tbh I was quite impressed. A proper dent as well.
Tue 12 Sep 08:18
2017
@StarlitAlicia Yep, coffee sunk and into the swing of things at work! See you on the M3, I'll be the slow driver with the emergency wheel!
Tue 12 Sep 08:17
2017
@StarlitAlicia Yep thanks. Haven't broken my nose but bloody hurt. :-) Luckily it was passenger side otherwise I'd have called out AA.
Tue 12 Sep 08:03
2017
FML. Blowout on the M3 and dented my car by head butting the bastard changing my tyre! https://t.co/ja6IF4zyei
Tue 12 Sep 07:44
2017
@LYCoolJ @StarlitAlicia Lisa saw it coming but I didn't. Did think WTF!
Mon 11 Sep 20:04
2017
@LYCoolJ @StarlitAlicia It's my car, not sure of the excess tbh, probably Β£100 at most. Made a bloody Big Bang when it hit
Mon 11 Sep 20:02
2017
@LYCoolJ @StarlitAlicia Nooooooooooooooooooo!!! Surely you must know Hoth!! https://t.co/8cd8x3dYa3
Mon 11 Sep 20:01
2017
@LYCoolJ @StarlitAlicia Big rock hit my windscreen on way back from Swansea. Huge crack but new windscreen getting fitted tomorrow
Mon 11 Sep 19:58
2017
@LYCoolJ @StarlitAlicia Great for when it's like Hoth out there!
Mon 11 Sep 19:57
2017
@LYCoolJ @StarlitAlicia I just need a new windscreen!
Mon 11 Sep 19:13
2017
@nursiedeb Aww that's great news, another positive sign! My belt now needs a new hole so I'm happy as well
Sun 10 Sep 20:40
2017
@nursiedeb Well done, I love all the little signs that show you're on the right track with a diet!
Sun 10 Sep 20:37
2017
@Tozz2009 Well the natural you looks a lot better so it's a different thing I'd say
Sun 10 Sep 20:27
2017
@K1ng1e I never seem to be first in the bath in my house! By the time I get in it's lukewarm & probably been wee'd in!
Sun 10 Sep 19:06
2017
@Tozz2009 The likeness is uncanny!!
Sun 10 Sep 19:05
2017
@LYCoolJ @StarlitAlicia The thought has crossed my mind to make one!! 😁
Sun 10 Sep 19:00
2017
@DodieP1966 Made it home via Brizzle! Car's ok apart from the screen. We're just organising a time to get it replaced right now.
Sun 10 Sep 15:18
2017
@DreamyLou @csbradders Happy birthday mate!
Sun 10 Sep 14:24
2017
@DodieP1966 Should be. Lisa was on the blower to insurance company within minutes. Big bang when it hit!
Sun 10 Sep 13:47
2017
I'm now the passenger. Driving home through Swansea & a big rock hits my windscreen. Big crack getting bigger. https://t.co/r88jc3wqoP
Sun 10 Sep 13:42
2017
@LYCoolJ Oh yes please! Less than 100 days until VIII !
Sun 10 Sep 13:37
2017
@nursiedeb Do it! You never know unless you try!!
Sun 10 Sep 06:37
2017
@LYCoolJ Yep, he's also working with my best mates son at the same place so he's in a good place at the mo. Ex & hi… https://t.co/CDDSTZU81S
Sat 9 Sep 21:46
2017
@soton234 You see a return on investments..... I won't!
Sat 9 Sep 21:45
2017
@LYCoolJ After my conference in London next week I'll ditch the razor then!
Sat 9 Sep 21:44
2017
@LYCoolJ Yep, Joe moved there in July with now ex-GF so he moved into a new shared house this week. Got a new job h… https://t.co/HbF8gsOccI
Sat 9 Sep 21:44
2017
Fleeced out of a couple of hundred quid today but No 1 son now settled into his house. Grandson chattering away & happy. Result.
Sat 9 Sep 18:51
2017
@DodieP1966 Made it to Leigh De La Mere! πŸ’¦
Sat 9 Sep 12:34
2017
The M4 is not a place to be whwb you have a bladder like a space hopper
Sat 9 Sep 10:38
2017
@blondiesaint Cheers Jane, I'm passenger and DJ until the bridge!
Sat 9 Sep 09:09
2017
Off to Swansea again to see eldest & grandson..... πŸš—
Sat 9 Sep 08:55
2017
She's a bit clingy is Purni.... https://t.co/XUCRusfFA4
Fri 8 Sep 21:47
2017